No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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