I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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