She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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