It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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