just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
