I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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