sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
bring money and cleavage
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
