Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Randomize
