Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
