new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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