I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
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