I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
i out mim tonsoeep
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
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