he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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