I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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