My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
