Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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