Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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