i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
you have to choose: penises or morals?
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
