fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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