just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
