while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
