I didn't shave. On purpose
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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