i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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