Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
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