I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
My vagina just clenched in fear
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
