you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
