i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
