I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
