Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
