When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
