Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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