my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
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