Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
