Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
my being single is dangerous.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Someone came in the potted fern
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
