Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
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