I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
