i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
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I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
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Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.