I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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