Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
