I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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