even my farts smell like vagina
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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