I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
