shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
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