News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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