There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.