At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics