Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
