i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Randomize
