so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
