I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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