the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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