Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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