Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
It's blow job season.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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