There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
My Sexting was not on an AP level
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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