dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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