somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
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