Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
