I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
