So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
