I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Randomize
